Things I Never Thought I’d Say Until I Became a Dad

Becoming a dad is a crash course in unexpected life changes—you suddenly have a newfound appreciation for naps, your weekends revolve around youth sports and cartoon marathons, and your pockets are permanently filled with crushed Goldfish crackers. But perhaps the strangest transformation is the bizarre, nonsensical things that come out of your mouth daily.

Before fatherhood, I had normal conversations. Then, one day, I caught myself yelling, these things.

• "Hey! Get that out of your belly button! That’s not a pocket!"
• "Hey! Get that out of my coffee! I don’t need extra flavor!"
• "Hey! Get that out of the toilet! We don’t play in there!"

—and that’s when I knew: I had become a dad. Suddenly, I was rattling off commands that, out of context, made zero sense to any rational adult but were completely necessary in the world of parenting.

If you’ve ever stopped mid-sentence and thought, Did I really just say that?, you’re not alone. Welcome to dad life. Here’s a collection of the funniest, weirdest, and most unexpected things I never thought I’d say until I became a dad.

1. "Stop Licking That!"

Funny things parents say
Whether it’s a shopping cart handle, a public bench, or the dog—kids have a natural tendency to lick the worst things imaginable. And somehow, as a dad, you’ll find yourself saying this at least once a week.

2. "I Don’t Care Who Started It—Both of You Stop!"

Common parenting phrases
When kids fight, there's always an elaborate explanation of who did what first. But at some point, you realize it doesn’t matter—you just need peace.

3. "Why Is There Peanut Butter on the TV Remote?"

Funny dad life moments
Dads quickly learn that nothing is safe from sticky little hands. Peanut butter, jelly, slime—it all ends up on the remote, the walls, and occasionally, your favorite shirt.

4. "We Don’t Wrestle in the Grocery Store."

Parenting struggles with kids
Why do kids treat every public place like a WWE arena? You’re just trying to buy milk, but suddenly, it’s Friday Night SmackDown in Aisle 5.

5. "Who Left a Banana in the Bathroom?"

Dad humor quotes
The strangest things end up in the bathroom. Toys? Expected. Bananas? Still a mystery.

6. "Because I Said So, That’s Why."

Classic dad phrases
You swore you’d never say it. But then, after the 47th ‘Why?’ in a row, it just slips out. And it feels oddly satisfying.

7. "No, You Cannot Keep That Worm as a Pet."

Funny parenting stories
Kids have a special talent for finding and befriending the grossest creatures imaginable. But sorry, buddy—Wormy has to stay outside.

8. "Do You Need to Go to the Bathroom Before We Leave?"

Parenting hacks for dads
You learn the hard way—if you don’t force a preemptive bathroom trip, you’ll be making an emergency stop five minutes later.

9. "If You Can Hear Me, That Means You’re Not Actually Asleep."

Bedtime struggles with kids
Ah, bedtime—the time when kids suddenly become philosophers, hydration experts, and professional stallers.

10. "I Don’t Need a Thermometer to Know That’s Too Hot."

Dad instincts
When you’ve been burned by one too many lava-hot chicken nuggets, you develop a sixth sense for scorching food.

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Final Thoughts: Welcome to the Dad Life

Fatherhood comes with a lot of unexpected surprises, but perhaps the weirdest of all is the things you find yourself saying. From bizarre commands to classic dad wisdom, every dad has a list of “Did I really just say that?” moments.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever caught yourself saying as a dad? Drop it in the comments!